Growing up, my mother taught me that the best way to make friends was through positive intentions. Two of her favourite sayings were: "It's not what you say, it's how you say it" and "You catch more bees with honey than vinegar."
All these years later, my work as a clinician still incorporates my mom's sage advice: I help people find and use effective communication strategies to establish and enjoy relationship stability.
Ironically, couples usually come into counselling convinced that the content of their arguments is creating their relationship havoc. They are unaware that their communication method is the leading cause of their discord.
The Healthy Couples Playbook
Based on my 25 years in practice (in addition to the 18 years under my parent's roof), I have devised a healthy communication playbook of exercises that get results. Among them are five sure-fire strategies to help you and your partner create a long and winning season together.
Team-building Tango
Negotiation takes place whenever people communicate. Step up to the counterperson at any fast-food restaurant, and you will engage in a back-and-forth that will get you that order of fries. The same transactional sense holds in friendship: Text a buddy about seeing a movie, and ideas will flow between you until a film is determined and the meet-up specifics are decided.
But back-and-forth communication among intimate partners is more delicate because there’s more at stake emotionally. According to a recent poll of 100 mental health professionals, communication problems (65%) and an inability to resolve conflict (45%) were the most common factors leading to their clients' divorces.
Just as my mother showed me a few thoughtful interaction approaches, my job is to instil in my clients practical, effective, and loving ways of relating to one another.
Playing by the Rules
Let's not leave my father's influence out of this: My dad, first a footballer and then a coach, imparted team dynamics. I now include these principles – communication, cooperation, and compromise – in my sessions to guide my clients toward relationship victory.